Everything that I’m feeling these days (especially in the mornings) has started to show that this pattern of drinking is untenable. The reason I started this site was because that feeling had started to dawn on me gradually. At the time that I first took a break from drinking in 2016, it was because I was tired of the chase for the high. In 2017 I fought the urge to drink and won some days but gave up and lost many more. Now, we’re almost through 2018 and I’m feeling like I’m on the losing end of the deal.
Earlier this morning, I took out a bag of recycling. It was full of empty cans and bottles which I’d been hiding. As I was filling up the bag, fighting the persistent morning headaches that have become standard, I had a flashback of visiting another family member with a drinking problem, and being shocked to find their bathroom closet filled with empty cans, tucked into the corner behind the towels. Fittingly, a few days later I had my own beer while taking a shower in that same bathroom. Perhaps that was some sort of weird act of unknowing empathy–I see where you’re coming from because someday it’s looking like I’ll be there too.
Now, a number of years later, I am there. I’m not hiding empties in my bathroom closet, but that’s only because I don’t need to; there are many less obvious hiding places in my house. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that at least one of my family members had found the stash and was too freaked out to say anything or just didn’t know what to make of it. After all, I never did a great job of hiding it and drunk me had little interest in putting out a lot of effort to begin with. Really, this stash issue is the physical manifestation of the problem I think I’m facing to begin with: stuff is piling up.
Let’s be frank here, I haven’t stopped drinking yet. In the face of mounting evidence, both personal and from reading scientific and medical articles, there are evenings (most evenings, in fact) where I find myself with a beer in hand. Rather, I find myself with the bottomless glass in hand; as soon as I reach one last swig, it’s up and off to the fridge to top off again. The last two nights have been particularly bad, as I’ve been waking up around 4:00 AM to find a partially empty glass next to my bed, having fallen asleep without brushing my teeth. For all the thinking that having a drink or two or three is some sort of self-care, moments like these stand out as that personal evidence that drinking is really no such thing.
When I reflect on the reasons that I started drinking after stopping drinking (after starting drinking, etc), the most apparent thread is that I haven’t taken to talking about not drinking. That is, I’ve failed to be more vocal about not drinking. Sure, I’ve been good at not ordering drinks at events, but when someone else is picking up the tab or placing the orders, I tend to go the easy route and get the booze. One is followed with the second. The third then follows that, then I go home and drink to the extent of my ability. By no means am I saying that I need to be telling people why I don’t drink, in some sermon-like form, but I should be a little bit more brave about turning down drinks.
Really, that’s why I started this blog. I participated in the r/stopdrinking subreddit more regularly when I most recently wanted to stop drinking and it was good. There were moments when reading about other people’s struggles and strength helped boost my own. By checking in and sharing my stories, I felt an added sense of support. But, over time, I dropped off. Mostly I kept mindful of the “no posting while drunk” rule, which means I don’t post that often because I’m now mostly drinking during my off time. Hopefully, but logging some thoughts on here on occasion, in a publicly accessible and dedicated forum, I can work out some means and methods to get to where I want to be, which, to sum it up is not “Not Drinking” but rather, “Wanting Not to Drink”.